Running away....

I close the door as softly as possible, not wanting to wake up my mother-in-law or my husband. I tiptoe out through the verandah with my bag packed with some clothes, my mobile and some money. The moment I am out of the gate, I walk in a fast pace occasionally glancing backwards to make sure that noone is following me..I see the 4am bus parked in the bus stand and inche towards it as calmly as possible. I had this desperate urge to run towards it but I feign calmness..I get into the bus and see an old man dozing off on one of the seats with his mouth wide open..I tiptoe past him and settle at the corner seat at the back of the bus..I heave a sigh of relief because here I was hidden from all eyes...Noone would notice me..My heartbeat slows down..I look out of the bus window and a tea stall near by ... Traders who are going to the market to get their load for the day, a fish monger and a few new paper boys all hold their tea cups close eagerly waiting for the liquid to wake them up fully...

The bus starts...I look at the conductor who has been eyeing me curiously for a few minutes...he comes towards me and looks at me with a question on his face...I stammer and says 'A ticket for Bangalore' and hand him a 50 rupee note...He takes the money from my hand and starts singing as he pulls out a ticket and the change. He puts it in my outstreched hand and lets it linger there a little longer that necessary. I give him a sharp distasteful look and he gives me a lusty smile with his stained teeth showing through his dark lips...I shudder and look away...I pretend to make a call on my mobile and he slowly inches away...He continues to stare at me as I pretend to dial a number...I pretend that I am talking to someone who is around the bus...'Yes..I am in the bus...The red one just in front of the bus stand....Yes, i took a ticket...Not many people in the bus..I will be fine..I will anyway call you soon.' The conductor turns his face away...

The bus starts..It lurches forward and I feel a pain in my heart..I hold on to a rail..I utter a prayer and try to relax....My life in the past 2 years rushes past me as the bus begins to gain speed...I have been happily married to a man who earns decently enough to sustain me...Life is bliss for a year but everytime I got a chance to contemplate, I felt that there was something missing...There were days that I would sit at the corner of my room and cry like a wounded animal unsure of where the pain was emanating from...I tried to reason with myself but I couldnt...People around told me that it was time to start a family..But deep within I knew that was not the answer to my pain...I tried to understand where I was feeling incomplete...But I failed to find that out.....everytime he tried to make love to me, I would look away unable to bear the pretention that I was enjoying life...He tried to talk to me but I myself didnt know why I was so sad...For a change we decide to visit his parents...Two days have gone by and I am suffocating here! I woke today morning drenched in sweat, I couldnt stay there a second longer...I pack my bags grabbing whatever I could and stepped out of the house...

I dont know why I did this..I think I am loosing my mind..God save me!